I had a plan. A perfect plan. One that turned out not-so-perfect.
Since being in high-school, teaching is what I have wanted to do. My mind was set on doing nothing else.
Not long after my second year of University had started, I saw a poster around the Uni grounds that was for a guest speaker coming in from a company called Think Pacific who host volunteer expeditions to Fiji. Travelling the world is something high up on my bucket list so I decided to look more into the expeditions as well attending the guest speaker.
Think Pacific offer overseas volunteering expeditions where you fully amerce yourself into the Fijian culture as well as getting the chance to teach in local schools.
This was the PERFECT opportunity for me!
On November 2nd 2018, I sent my application. I don't have near enough faith in myself than I should do so I didn't particularly expect to hear back as the company receives way more applications than there are places on the expeditions.
I got an interview!
Apprehensive didn't even come close. This was a phone-call interview and I get nervous even talking to family on the phone, never-mind an interview for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
'I've just got to stay calm and be myself' I kept telling myself.
On November 9th, I WAS OFFERED A PLACE. Just one-week after I had sent my application. I was beyond happy.
After that came months of fund-raising, raising awareness of my expedition and gathering everything on my kit-list for what was going to be a month-long journey in Fiji. There was all of the excitement of meeting others who were going to be on my expedition, telling friends and family about my trip and reading about all of the amazing things that I would be doing whilst out there, but all of this came with nerves, apprehension, sleepless nights.
I struggle with anxiety. Quite a lot and day-by-day I am finding new ways to cope with it. I new right from the start that Fiji was going to be a huge challenge for me and I new that nerves were perfectly normal but my nerves only got worse. The closer I got to my expedition date, the less sleep I was getting, my anxiety levels were through the roof to the point where I was struggling to eat or leave the house. And the worst thing I did was not talk to somebody about how I was feeling. I bottled it up and tried to convince myself that I wanted to go and that the nerves I was having were normal.
It got to the night before I was due to leave and my suitcase was still empty. My room was full of everything on my kit-list but I couldn't bring myself to pack any of it. I kept telling myself I'll be fine once I get there but I knew that going was not the best thing to do for myself and my current mental health. That's when everything I had bottled up for the last few months all came out. I was distraught. Disappointed in myself. Ashamed of the reasons why I didn't get on that plane.
But looking back, yes, it would of been an amazing opportunity, yes, it would of looked amazing on my CV when I went to apply for a teaching position but no, I don't regret not going. I put myself first and listened to what my mind and body was telling me. I'll have chances to apply again when I feel ready. Sometimes you have to look after yourself even if that means making some consequences.
My perfect plan didn't go perfectly by any means. Maybe nothing can be perfect. My plan now? Go with the flow. Train to become a teacher when I am ready and maybe one day I will get to teach all over the world.